Home And Family

There are various factors which influence children’s behavior, it doesn’t just arise out of nowhere. These factors are;
1. The child’s temperament
2. Their position in the family
3. The parent’s expectations of the child

The underlying factor to our childrens behavior is their feelings. Children always feel bad, before they behave bad. It is impossible to understand or cope with the child’s behavior if we do not know what the child is saying or feeling. It is therefore important that we take the time to really listen to our children.

Very often as parents, we focus on the bad behavior and how it reflects on us, but we forget about the child and what they are feeling, this usually leads us to criticize the child an not the behavior. Usually when children are unable to make sense of their feelings they will give clues through their behavior, tone and actions. Even we as adults act out when we are in a similar situation.

All behavior needs to be understood, you can do this by asking two questions
1. What is the child trying to say by his behavior
2. What is the child feeling

In order to understand the behavior and feelings of our children we have to listen to what they are saying and the feelings that are behind their words and most importantly be aware of your own feelings. When we are aware of our own feelings, we can act more rationally and thus able to control our emotions. We will then be much calmer and can listen to what our child has to say and not just react to a situation.

This is the third and final principle in this series on parent advocacy. Some of this comes from my past 25 years in education and some from interviews with parents that I have met through work, conferences, parent meetings, day care, and my sons school. I have been honored with the pleasure of meeting some wonderful parent advocates and our principle this time is one that I have observed being practiced by these folks more than ever being spoken.

Principle Three: Being a Contributor to the Process.

What is a contributor?

A contributor is someone who adds to the efforts of others towards a common goal. I see parents who expect all the effort to come from a school team to meet educational goals and criticize them if they are not met. If a parent is a contributor to the process, they are doing many things. Here are some examples I have seen through the actions of successful parent advocates:

• Volunteering to spend time in the classroom as a helper once a week.
• Attending team meetings and being available to be in the loop on decisions that happen at school.
• Looking for grant and foundation money to obtain equipment and software needed in the classroom that support modifications of the curriculum for their child.
• Looking for ways to contribute in the exploration of answers for treatment and special needs issues rather than criticize decisions that have been made without their input.
• Demanding excellence but being willing to share ideas, time, and some personal expense if possible to see it attained.
• A realization that they, as parents, are experts on their children’s needs and behaviors at home, but also respecting the fact that needs and behaviors can be different at school and the staff and specialists may have different reports that are still accurate.

The wonderful thing about advocating in this way is that through their efforts, these parents have earned the right to share in the processes at their schools. They have the right to be in the process anyway, whether they know it or not, but might be permitted by the school begrudgingly because of poor interpersonal relationships. If done right, the relationships at school can blossom so that the parent is seen as a positive influence in the process and their opinions are respected.

Think about these questions:

How do you think you are perceived by the staff at your child’s school?

Are you an antagonist and an interrogator when it comes to what is happening at school for your child’s services?

What could you do to improve the situation?

What actions of successful advocates listed above do you do well?

What areas could you possibly improve in?

Now I know there are those of you out there that are saying, “Yes, this might be true, but you don’t know what I go through. I have to deal with a principal that doesn’t get it when it comes to IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) and the rights of disabled and special needs children.”

You might say, “The staff at my child’s school always get their defenses up when I come around and I can’t get through to them.” You could also be one saying, “I have been dealing with incompetency throughout the whole school career of my child’s life. I have been patient but I am about to the point where all I know to do is use the “S” word…sue.”

I am not an attorney and I am not about to start giving legal advice. I realize there are situations where being nice isn’t enough. Still…I would encourage you to take a deep breath and look at the principles above. Compare them to your relationship with your school. Look at where you do well and where you could do better. Putting some effort into these principles can go a long way to bring positive results that will be a win/win situation for everyone.

The media have recently highlighted a fundamental debate among parenting experts: To be a drill sergeant or an empathic listener? To spank or not to spank? To punish or to teach?

In more than two decades as a parent educator, I firmly believe that effective discipline means setting firm limits while, at the same time, treating children with respect and dignity. This is authoritative, not punitive, parenting. What抯 the difference?

Example: Your children are fighting about which TV show to watch. The authoritarian parent bellows, 揟hat抯 enough! No more TV for a week! That抣l teach you kids to get along.?This parent dictates her solution, and the children have no opportunity to solve their own problems or learn to cooperate. They may be resentful but are too fearful to express their true feelings.

The authoritative parent says in calm, clear voice, 揑f you two can work out a way to share your TV time, you抮e welcome to watch. If not, the television goes off.?This parent uses firm discipline (stating a consequence that will result if the squabbling continues), but also guides children respectfully toward working out their own solution梐nd then follows through. If she doesn抰 follow through, she is not a credible parent and her statement becomes an empty threat that her kids won抰 take seriously.

The problem with the authoritarian (揇o it because I say so!? approach is that it uses adult muscle to force youngsters to obey. This may work in the short run. But over time, children may become more defiant and disobedient. Some may become sneaky and do the same thing again but are more careful not to get caught. A child who抯 constantly under a parent抯 thumb will find ways to evade or avoid the rules.

Here are some tips to help you become a more effective parent without becoming a pushover or a dictator:

Choose your battles. Parents and children have conflicting needs. Adults need to hurry. Kids want to dawdle. We want some order. They like to make messes. Clashes are inevitable, but don抰 get pulled into every skirmish. One of my favorite maxims is 揑f you抮e not selective, you抮e not effective.?Decide what抯 really important to you, like leaving the house on time in the morning without yelling or tantrums ?yours or theirs. Talk to kids at night about how to get ready on time the next morning. (For example: Set out clothes together and makes lunches that evening, or have a check list of what needs to be done to avoid 搈orning madness.?This way you抣l all begin the day on a happier note.)

Talk less. Children become 損arent deaf?when we endlessly lecture, nag, command, criticize, cajole. They抳e heard it all before, so they tune us out. To get children to listen, the trick is to shorten the message. Brevity is authority. Instead of preaching about how messy their rooms are, make a brief impersonal comment that describes what needs to be done: 揟hose dirty clothes belong in the hamper?or 揃ooks go on the shelf.?/p>

Set clear, firm limits. Example: Before your son goes to a friend抯 house, let him know exactly what time he must come home. If you arrive to pick him up and he begs to stay longer, you can say, 揑 know you抮e having a good time, but it抯 six o抍lock.?If he resists, don抰 be ambivalent by saying, 揙kay, just five more minutes.?Don抰 argue. Simply state, 揝ix o抍lock was our agreement. We need to go now.?/p>

Use consequences instead of punishment. Example: Your child leaves his new roller blades outside overnight after you抳e reminded him to bring them inside. They抮e stolen. An authoritarian parent would lecture: 揑 warned you, but you never listen to me. You got just what you deserved! That抯 the last time I抣l buy you anything expensive.?
That won抰 teach him to be more careful with his things. It will only make him angry, inept, or resentful toward you. Instead, you could take an authoritative: 揑 can see you抮e upset that your roller blades are gone and that you抣l have to do without them. Maybe you can think of a way to earn some money toward another pair.?An empathic response like this one teaches a lesson in responsibility without being punitive.

Express your anger without insult. It抯 only human to get upset when kids disobey or provoke us. Parents have a right to feel angry, but we don抰 have any right to hurt, insult, belittle, or frighten children.
If you抮e about to explode, take an 揳dult time-out?to cool off. You could say, 揑抣l be in my room for 10 minutes, and we抣l discuss this when I come out.?Parents who use demeaning language or lash out physically fail to teach respect because they抮e being disrespectful toward the child. This doesn抰 help a child develop a conscience, and spanking models the very behavior that we want children to avoid.

Respect is a two-way street: Kids learn it best if we model it. They won抰 learn to respect themselves or others if respect has not been given to them. Another way to show respect is to listen to your child, especially when he is upset. Listening closely ?without interrupting or injecting adult answers ?shows you are really interested and care about him.

Though they don抰 always show it and probably won抰 thank you at that moment, children really do want parents to provide safe, predictable structure in their lives. We can do that by being an authoritative parent who sets limits on behavior, but also treats kids the way we all want to be treated ?with love, dignity and respect.

Spring break is all about teenagers and parties. Faith never attended a “real” party ’till爏he was about 26 years old! Not all teens and young adults live sheltered lives growing up.?Many teens love having parties when their parents were away, oh yea. If only their parents saw what they were doing and what all was going on. Teens need guidance, correction and support to help make them better燼dults.?Even爂uidance with燾areer choices.牋
?br>Faith’s friend Racquel爓anted her to enter a fashion show with her. After constant pleading with爃er dad for weeks beforehand, he finally let爃er go through with it.?Well,燜aith’s friend was chosen to do a photo shoot for a local shop,燼nd she爓as the only girl chosen for Wal-Mart. Now as a teen,爏he was so embarrassed to have been the only one chosen by Wal-Mart that爏he turned them down! Looking back at this as an adult,燜aith realizes that could’ve been the start of a fun, extremely profitable, and exciting modeling career.燬he really wished her parents had encouraged her爐o accept it.燜aith can only imagine the life爏he could’ve had. Sometimes teens need to have an adult explain to them why something can be right for them.
?br>Faith爃as a couple of friends that had kids too soon in their lives,?friends that started smoking and have been living a long battle trying to quit.燬he’s had friends that started drinking and had alcohol ruin their relationships and lives because of their addiction. Last but not least, she’s had friends that were into all kinds of drugs, and some that have died because of it, living a very short life.
?br>Well now, there is a way, thanks to modern technology, for parents to see just exactly what is going on behind their backs. For the safety of their kids and homes, a hidden camera can see it all!?Faith’s爃ad several of爃er friends tell her they wish that they had a bit more guidance and direction from their elders when they were growing up.?Her and爃er husband have hid a boyfriend/girlfriend in爐heir closets once or twice! Guiding teens is?important. A Built-In DVR hidden neon wall clock camera is an excellent choice to help you see what you normally can’t. We have several others to choose from. Check them out today!
?br>Yours In Safety,
?br>Regina Jacques

Let抯 face it ?the things required these days to raise a child are expensive. Things can cost a lot of money ?school fees, fashionable clothes, sports activities to name just some as a scratch on the surface. The way to control some or all of these costs is to train and teach your son/daughter to see things from your point of view and help them understand.

Teach them about budgeting and having a strategy that separates needs from desires. Teach them early! For example, your response to their begging and pleading will form a behaviour in them [if you have made mistakes in this areas you can change ?start now]. Teach them that good times don抰 have to cost much ?picnics, hikes, long talks. Emphasise that experiences are often better than things, make Christmas and birthday gifts meaningful rather than expensive.

Teach them the value of things by giving them an allowance and avoid becoming a bank for them. Our son抯 demands for high fashion brand names changed dramatically upon receipt of a regular clothing allowance. He very soon felt the choice between designer and regular ?one shirt or several. Surprisingly he chose several ?an option that wasn抰 previously available when we went shopping with my money.

It is good to sit down with them and explain your family budget [we did this one time as youth leaders with our youth group -杋t was enlightening to see just how much they didn抰 know about this topic]. Show them the size of your rent/house payments, the telephone account and the amount you have to spend on water and utilities to light and heat your home [at least it will give context to you telling them to turn the lights off when they leave a room]. Show them your income and how little you have left every week/month. Their allowance then becomes their mini salary and you can talk to them about savings, tithe, fuel costs [if they drive], eating out etc. ?help them to develop budgeting skills early in their life. You can also tell them that a credit card is wrongly named as it is a debt card.

In their budgeting skills ?start now, help them by setting general guidelines for their spending. Avoid being too specific as we all know we need to be flexible to allow for unexpected costs or opportunities to enjoy ourselves. Avoid having 憈heir money?and 憃ur money??rather let them experience the consequences of over spending and under saving.

• Be a good example
• Be open and honest
• Begin early

It can be done.

How does "happy family" sound right now?

Well it probably sounds far from reality. I know the bad children behavior routine: tantrums, defiant behavior, tears, screaming, no time for yourself, for your husband/wife, stress… the list never ends.

It’s hard to accept we need help because as parents, we think it should be "natural" to be good parents. Well no, it’s definitely not that easy to raise kids because understanding children is something we’ve lost as adults. Do you remember what you were feeling and thinking at age 7?

"Am I a bad parent?". Just stop asking. That’s not the point because there is not just one way of parenting. Your kid is unique and you’re trying your best to make him feel happy and loved. But HOW is another issue! We’re not asked to know psychology or to study a manual to avoid bad children behavior when we become parents so we act based on what we know You see? Not your fault.

BUT what is sure is that bad children behavior can be stopped. And if you don’t change anything in how you communicate with your child, NOTHING is going to change. And it might get worse as your child grows up. That’s what worried me and pushed me to make significant changes in my way of parenting. I used to say "Time will make her change, soon she’ll not be a kid anymore and things will get much better" but that’s an illusion. It can get worse. That’s reality. But in this reality, you can make that change happen because people like you and I, parents, therapists, worked on the issue before us and believe me or not, this is priceless, because our own life and our kid’s are priceless.

I’d doing this because I want to bring a message of hope to all the people who, like me, have been struggling with their kids’ behavior for too long. Now I know things can change.

Which parenting method should I choose?

Choosing a parenting method shouldn’t be complicated but many exist and it can be hard to choose, especially because each method is presented and explained by their author on a long website page and you can only figure out if it’s appropriate for your situation when you’re done reading everything!

Also, it’s important to stay aware that bad children behavior is something that is lived differently by each family and the different methods are not meant for the same kind of children. So even if somebody else might have the solution you need to stop your child’s behavior problems, you’re the one who knows your child, his habits, tantrums, words…

This parenting thing is not easy. Just when you think you may be getting it right and they’re on their way to becoming civilized adults, able to carry on an intelligent conversation, help around the house without supervision, and verbally acknowledge your worth in their lives — they leave!
?br>No longer are you the most important person in their lives. They have needed you for so long, and you have needed them to need you. How do you overcome this Syndrome they call The Empty Nest? The following is certainly not an inclusive list, but maybe it’ll give you a new perspective.
?br>?b>1. Realize that it started at birth. From the beginning, you nourished and protected them, urged them to talk, walk, make friends and study. You watched them try and fail so they would learn strength, taught them the difference between need and want and the rewards of hard work. You were preparing them to leave you, and you have succeeded.
?/b>
2.?Don’t take it personally.?/strong>Did you leave your parents’ home because you didn’t love them? Did making an independent decision mean you didn’t value their opinion? Think about your own journey to financial and emotional independence. If your parents were your foundation but not your crutch, you’re probably grateful for their wisdom and the trust they placed in you.
?br>3. Examine your motives. Have you been living vicariously through your children? Give an honest answer to the question, “Why am I feeling sad when my children are okay? What is it I really want?” When you can answer honestly, you’re ready to declare your own independence.
?br>4. Keep in touch. Even when they seem to shove you away, they need you. It can be scary out there. As they make independent decisions, they need to know you love them unconditionally and are available to them as they make difficult adjustments. But know the difference between helping and hovering.
?br>5.?Enjoy your freedom! Remember what you promised yourself “when the kids are grown”?營t’s time! Pursue your artistic interests, learn something new, or write a book. Volunteer at the school, hospital, or senior center, where your focused energy can make a difference.燗ppreciate the quiet, the privacy, and the freedom to come and go without having to consider your children’s schedules.
?br>6. Support them when they fail. This is when you’ll be tempted to respond with “Come home, baby, and we’ll take care of you,” or “I knew this would not be a good move for you.” Help them know that though it’s difficult now, this will pass. Try to listen without judgment or correction. They need you to listen, not solve the problem.
?br>7. Know they still need you. Your role has changed through the years, from First Responder to Last Resort. But no one will ever take your place; no one else heard their first cry or watched their first steps. No one knows them like you do.
?br>8. Benefit from their independent experiences. Isn’t it nice to discuss topics unrelated to your relationship as parent and child, topics that relate more to shared interests? And more than that, your grown children bring to the discussion myriads of experiences different from yours, enabling you to explore the world through their eyes.
?br>9. Realize you’re not on your own. If you’re the mother, realize that though he may not admit it, your husband may also be feeling the loss. Give him the attention he lost when you began having kids. Turn your attention to your girl friends, and experience your own social life, uninterrupted by other people’s appointments or cries for help.
?br>10. Rejoice in a job well done. Even if professional success causes them to move further away, know you have done what a parent is supposed to do. You birthed them, babied them, nurtured them, loved them, and brought them to a point of independence. You wouldn’t want any less for them than to be happy, independent productive adults.