Home And Family

As a parent what concern is at the forefront of your mind most? For my wife and I it is education, as time moves on I see that education is hands down the most important issue when discussing our children and their future. However, when I say education, I am not only referring solely to school and the ongoings there, but the actual process of learning and the acquisition of knowledge. This process of learning begins long before the child ever steps-foot into an institution of learning.

Therefore, the parents role is pivotal in nurturing the development of a child’s aptitude toward learning at the most early stages of its growth. That being said, what is it that we actually want our children to learn? Obviously, we would like our children to eventually become professionals in a particular field. But during the early stages, what do we want our children to develop most?

I am not a trained therapist but I can think of one area which is connected to all of the points of development (emotional, language and cognitive, etc.) discussed in Early childhood Education (ECE), a child’s character. A child’s character is a key-indicator and provides distinctive qualities which may indicate their level of development. These qualities may also be used to distinguish between strong or weak progressions. Likewise, in adulthood we use character to identify and distinguish an individual or groups from one another.

Character development is a fundamental part our Islamic education and a primary interest in Muslim family’s agenda for educating their children. It is also a classic debate of the Western world, this can be seen in Aristotle’s Nichomacean Ethics and Socrates Meno (Nucci, 1989). Later John Locke, the 17th century English philosopher, was an advocate of formal education as means to character development.

However, during the twentieth century American education has redirected its position on character development as a primary focus (W. Huitt, 2004). Instead its goals focus primarily on developing skills in reading, writing, speaking and listening according to a survey by Phi Delta Kappa (Spears, 1973). While, character development ranked third behind grammatical skills and identity development. The survey also identified good character in terms of a moral and ethical sense of values, goals and processes of a free society, which seem fine as general statement in the English language however, these terms take on a different meaning when colored by American culture and politics. So what alternatives do we have? Hamza Yusuf and Zaid Shakir weigh in on this topic saying,

We must raise our children outside the modern schools that are designed to make them no more than functional literates. We absolutely, must remove our children from state schools and design, build, and support life-enhancing places of learning Agenda to Change Our Condition

Given the survey data this may be the right thing to do, I for one have always been an advocate of home schooling after all some of the Western worlds greatest thinkers were home schooled. Persons like, Andrew Carnegie, Charlie Chaplin, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill, Charles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Florence Nightingale, Woodrow Wilson and the Wright brothers as mentioned in Chris Jeub’s article, Academic Reasons, featured on Christian Conservative resource Family.org, where he also concludes:

But education is more than individual academic courses, more than teaching what the teacher knows or training students in a particular skill. It is actually passing on a world view.

Jeub’s article suggests – a bit more bluntly – what I explained earlier in this article. So what we must ask ourselves is can we trust secular public schools and state run Universities to assist in the shaping of our children’s world view? Furthermore, is it possible to achieve a satisfying education for our children through the public school system if we are ultimately at ideological odds with the primary focus of education? In addition, can we make ends meet? Or our we destined to loose our children’s world view to the system, for lack of a better phrase?

As parents we are responsible for the outcome of our children’s world view as well as the architects of their implementation of Islam. One thing I consider when I hear or see radical Muslims on the front page of the daily news with a headline referencing some foiled terror-plot is, how do their parents feel? Are their parents Muslims and where did the plotters receive their Islamic education? What I am getting at is, who is responsible for their world view which support anti-Islamic principles? Also, it is important to understand when they received their Islamic education and most importantly the authenticity of it.

Conversely, we must address the religious Right, who by and large support war efforts that employ tactics of preemptive seizure. A tactic that mirrors the brutal strategies implemented by Tiberius Julius Alexander and Yohanan ben Levi during the first Jewish-Roman War. How can we justify efforts to end war that result in three times as many innocent deaths than that which started war IBC? It is a backwards ideology and we must ask the same question, who is responsible for this world view?

Recently, my wife requested a meeting with the principal of my eldest son’s elementary school. We feel that the school does not discuss good character among the children as much as it should. My son attends one of Manhattan’s most notable schools for gifted children therefore, a focus on intellectual development, cognitive skills and identity far exceed the normative functions of character building. Perhaps, the general consensus in American schools is that parents will provide enough reinforcement in character-building to satisfy this area of development, but if this is true, it is a seriously flawed conclusion.

In conclusion, I think that as Muslims we agree that belief is the beginning of character building. Our belief, coupled with sincerity will provide the platform for meaningful activity in the world. For example, when is it discussed with our children, during a regular school day, that lying or relaying fiction as means to an end is not OK? If this principle were a pillar in the agenda of a classroom’s society perhaps it would effect how these children treat the truth when they become men and women functioning in their chosen professions. However, this small item is rarely on a class agenda and occurs mostly as on the spot training and not as an item in the lesson plan which eventually lead one to believe that lying is OK if I don’t get caught.

Do you have a child between the ages of 17 and 23 living with you? If you’re in constant conflict with an older child over everything from curfews (should they have one or shouldn’t they?) to getting a job to alcohol use, we offer advice on how to set reasonable limits, and how to coach your child to responsibility and independence.

Parents feel they have to take care of their kids, whether they are 9 or 19 years old. But as kids get older, they engage in more risky behavior, and "taking care of them" becomes more challenging.  When they’re five, they’re climbing the monkey bars and you’re worried they’re going to break their arm.  At eleven they’re starting to play football or baseball and you’re afraid they might get hurt with a piece of equipment.  At 16, they’re starting to drive, they’re often getting money on their own, and they’re around people with drugs.  On the surface, they may seem much more independent, but actually they are simply much more able to put their parents off and hide what’s really going on with them.  

Kids between the ages of 17 and 23 have a lot of thinking errors.  Just like you can have a spelling error, and misspell a word, you can have a thinking error in which you misread life’s problems and come out with the wrong solutions.  When kids start hitting their late teens, you’ll hear them saying things that indicate they see themselves as victims.  "It’s not my fault." "I couldn’t help it." "I only stayed out an hour late and you want to punish me?" They become much more adept at manipulating their parents by blaming them for being too rigid and strict. You’ll hear kids say, "I’m getting older now. You should trust me more."  But the fact is, they’re not getting that much older.  Teenage mentality lasts from early adolescence until 22 or 23 years of age.  Most of the research shows kids are still using the same parts of their brain at 22 that they were using at 15.  Their brain is still developing in their early 20’s.  So they are not that much more prepared for adult situations.  But parents can get sucked into the thinking error that "You owe me. You owe me a place to live. You shouldn’t be too rigid."  When parents hear this enough, they start to feel guilty for the rules by which they have chosen to live.  They begin to think they’re too strict just for trying to implement the rules they’ve always had since their kids were young.

How to Enforce the Rules of the House with Older Kids

I think parents should have two levels of rules with their older children who are still living at home. The first are the rules of your household that reflect your values, structure and moral authority.  For example: People don’t abuse people around here.  That doesn’t change at 18 or 19. That rule never changes.  No drugs and alcohol, especially if you’re under age.  That doesn’t change at 18 or 19.  That’s the rule.  No stealing. No lying.  I would keep those rules very clear, because you don’t want to start having double standards with older kids, especially if you have other younger kids in the home. 

The second level of rules is the one that enables parents to live with young adults.  Certainly, young adults should get more responsibility and independence, but they have to earn it.  If you’ve got a job, you get more independence.  Should kids be able to stay out all night because they’re over 18?  Absolutely not.  If they’re living in your house, they have to let you know that they’re okay.  That may mean calling in if they decide to sleep over at someone’s house.  You have a right as a parent to expect this.

The most important part of having rules with older children is the discussion that establishes those rules. When a child is about to turn 18,  parents need to have a serious discussion about what the rules are going to be in order for everyone to live together. It should be a sit down, and you should write everything down that you agree to so that everything is clear. What can you do?  What can’t you do?  How will we support you in what you can do?  What’s going to happen if you do what you’re not supposed to do?  What is forbidden?  These things should be clearly spelled out. 

There’s a thin line between carrying your kids and being supportive of them.  I think when someone is 18, if they finish high school, they should be supporting themselves financially.  There should be no job too menial that they can’t take it until they find something better.  Many kids don’t give a darn in high school, aren’t ready for a better job, and they resent the fact that they have to work at McDonald’s, 7-11 or some other starting out position. So they avoid doing it and  think they’re better than that. This is a thinking error-a complete cognitive distortion that you shouldn’t accept as a parent. Parents need to say to older kids, "You made your choices in high school, and now if you want to better yourself, you’re going to have to go to school at night.  If you want to better yourself, you’re going to have to start out in a junior college. If we can’t pay for  college full time, you’re going to have to work and go to school part time."

Everyone in the home should know what the rules are, and it’s important to lay it all out before the child turns 18.  For example, the rule on drinking: "If you come home drunk, you will not be allowed to live in our house."  It can be you’re out of the house for a few days, a few weeks or forever.  Just establish the rule, write it down and explain to the child that he is over 18, and this is how we have to live with this issue. If kids get belligerent and violent after 18 (or at any time, in my opinion) the police should be called. 

Think of Your Adult Children as a Guests-Not as Children

If you feel compromised and taken advantage of by an older child, you need to realize this: the child is an adult now.  He may not act it, but he is an adult. He’s living under your roof.  He has to follow your laws.  I want you to think of your adult children as guests.  Not as children.  That’s the most important thing to do.  They’re done with high school; they are now guests in your home.  How would you let a guest act?  When would you draw the line with a guest?  When would you feel you have to call the police with a guest? 

When my son went to college, one of the biggest shocks he had was when we started to refer to his room as the guest room. I remember him saying, "But that’s my room." We said, "No, that’s the guest room. You can stay there anytime you want, for as long as you want, as long as you live our way." We said it with love and kindness, but we wanted him to see his role in a different way-as an adult.

For parents who are very anxious and have a lot of fears about their kids, this sounds like a difficult thing to say. I know that. But it’s really the best thing to say because you need to let these kids know that they have to start to make it on your own.   In effect, you are saying, "You’ve had 18 years to learn how to make it on your own. Now’s the time to put it into practice. Whatever you’ve chosen not to learn or chosen not to do over those 18 years, you’re going to have to pay a price for that now." 

The bottom line is, sometimes kids have to start out small. There’s no shame in that, and you have to make that very clear.  Even if it doesn’t match up with what you had hoped for your child. Many young adult children often have a false sense of entitlement.  I met many kids in my practice who refused to go to school, and could only read and write at a seventh or eighth grade level at best.  They told me they were going to be video game programmers, basketball players or rap singers.  That’s how they were putting off their anxiety.  If you’re talking to a kid who says, "I’m not making it in school, but I’m gonna be a rap singer. I wrote a few songs tonight," that’s the way that that kid is postponing his anxiety.  What he’s really saying is, "I’m so scared about the future, I have to make up this fantasy, and then I’m gonna cling to it."  Then, if you challenge that fantasy and say, "Wait a minute. There’s 20 million kids out there. What makes you think you can do it?"  the kid says, "You don’t believe in me. You don’t have any faith in me." He turns it right around on you until you’re the problem.  His not studying is not the problem.  You’re not believing in his fantasy becomes the problem. 

When you have these different currents coming together in a home where parents are living with an older child, it can get very uncomfortable for everyone, if not hostile.  The way to keep that hostility at bay is to have clarity beforehand.   Get the expectations and the consequences down on paper–literally.  Write them down and expect the child to live by them.

I have known many parents who couldn’t get their adult children out of bed. They think that they’re helping their adult children by giving them a roof over their head and not making them be responsible because they’re afraid for their kids.  But what they’re afraid of can only be cured by that kid getting out of bed and doing something for himself.  The parent is afraid the child is not going to amount to anything, that he’s not going to find a good job, that he’s not going to make it in school, that he’s going to get into trouble socially.  But the thing that addresses those fears is to get him up at eight o’clock in the morning and get him out there looking for a job.  Tell him to leave with his lunch, a cell phone and the internet want ads and don’t come back.   

This may sound harsh.  You’re pushing someone out into a world that they have to deal with.  But you’re not pushing them out of a plane without a parachute.  You’re pushing them out into the street without any money.  The solution to that problem is getting a job.  Many times parents use their own fears, anxieties and sense of guilt and remorse to justify not doing what they would do to a guest.  Out of fear, they choose not to expect out of their child what they expect out of themselves and each other every day.

揥hy did my daddy leave?
Was it because I was a bad girl or he didn抰 love us anymore??/p>

Explaining the absent parent is never easy, but it is necessary. For children, their primary fear is of abandonment and loss of parental love. There may be a number of reasons that the family is no longer intact, if it ever was, but the child is looking for reassurance that it is not their fault and that they will be cared for.

Children抯 lives revolve around their family:
The family unit is all they have ever known and to hear that a parent or caregiver is no longer going to be there is very traumatic and almost unbelievable. They will jump to a number of conclusions, most of them wrong and blaming themselves, in an effort to find answers and just cope. In an effort to make sense of the situation, they may become clingy to the caregiver and think 揑f he left, maybe you will too.?/p>

Feelings of Abandonment and isolation:

No matter what other reactions children may demonstrate to the adults in their lives, almost all have a deep and pervasive sorrow and sadness about them. One of the best things you can do for your children is to allow them to express their grief. Prolonged crying and preoccupation with the lost relationship are normal responses. Parents and family frequently try to hide their own despair and disappointment from the children, but by talking with them about feelings and emotions, you can give them permission to open up and share.

Single parenting:

One out of every four American children lives in a single-parent home. While most single-parent homes are the result of divorce, many parents and grandparents are raising children alone for other reasons as well. Some may be alone due to the death of a spouse, military assignments, single parent adoption, incarceration, drug or alcohol abuse and a myriad of other reasons for a parent to be absent in the life of a child.

Put the children抯 needs first:

As an adult it is your responsibility to care for the children, both physically and emotionally. Recognize that a long period of grief and mourning are natural. A preschooler may regress in such things as toilet training or begin to have nightmares or new fears. School age children may be showing signs of anger, guilt and sadness. You may see a drop in school grades and activities. Teenagers may assume they will be forced into an adult role or not have money enough for his needs. No matter what the age, some children feel responsible for the absent parent and harbor dreams about making it all right again. If you can not work out problems by open communication and cooperation, do not hesitate to get professional help. Their self-esteem and future happiness may depend on it.

Family: Absent Parents

And Left Behind Kids

?006 Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator

html://www.ArtichokePress.com

Having kids makes life busy and hectic, especially when your kids’ unreliable babysitter does not show up on time, has to cancel (again!), or is unavailable. Regardless of the sitter’s reason for untimeliness or cancellation, your stress level rises; you can’t even think about traveling to your destination until you find a sitter willing to take your kids off your hands for a few hours. You may work on an on-call basis and struggle to find good sitters in a pinch; or your regular sitter, a high school student, may not be able to sit your infant during day-time hours. Occasionally, you might just want to enjoy a date night with your spouse. Regardless of the reason, you have found yourself in a pinch. You mentally scroll through your list of potential care-takers and determine that you have called everyone. Although totally unrealistic, you are beginning to hope a qualified babysitter materializes on your doorstep.

Because finding a child care worker in your time of need can be incredibly difficult, using online child care services is an option you may not have yet considered. If you are really in a hurry, some of these services allow you to send a message to all potential area care-givers listed on the site. This option is best if you need to find someone quickly.

If you have more time, you should consider browsing online child care services. These services allow potential care-givers to post their profiles, which can include their photo, their credentials, their rate for the service(s) they provide, their weekly availability, and their willingness to be on-call. You can even access how far a potential sitter is willing to travel.

Most importantly, some of these online services allow you access to free background checks and references for potential care-givers. Through these services, you will have the opportunity to gauge sitters’ reliability and dependability so that you can determine the best person to hire.

As a member of one of these sites, you also have the option to post a job for potential sitters. Instead of looking through profiles to find a sitter who meets your child care needs, you can post a job in hopes of a sitter finding you.

As another option, you can barter your services: someone will take your job, and you will take their job. Your needs will be taken care of, and your finances won’t be strained.

Nothing worries a parent more than when a child must be left at home after school. Today, more than 2.4 million kids spend some time at home alone. It is not an easy choice to leave a child at home without adult supervision but, for many parents, there is no other choice. What then, can parents do to safeguard a child who spends some amount of time home alone? Here are the most important safety tips and guidelines.

1. Children should call their parents as soon as they get home. This will give you peace of mind knowing where your child is and, most importantly, that they have arrived home safely. This means that your work and cell phone number is close to the phone.

2. Make sure your child knows how to lock all the doors and windows in the house or apartment. When kids are home alone, every door and window should be locked. Also, if it gets dark outside, have your child know to turn on the lights which will help the child to feel safe and make it appear that more than one person is at home.

3. If your child arrives home and the front door is open, a window is broken or if something just doesn’t feel right, you should help your child to understand that they should not even think about going inside. It is possible that the person who broke in is still there. Instead, instruct your child to go straight to a trusted neighbor and let them know what has happened. Then, have your child call you right away.

4. Your child should also never leave the home without checking with you first. Help the child to understand that you as a parent must know where they are at all times and how to reach you if they need to.

5. Have your child memorize all your phone numbers. This includes the work number and cell number of each parent.

6. You should talk to your kids about what they should and should not do in case of an emergency. In addition to the parents phone numbers that should be kept close to the phone, the emergency number 911 should also be listed. Don’t take for granted that your child will know to call 911. List it anyway. You should explain to the child that 911 will put the child in contact with the police, the fire department or a doctor in case of an emergency.

7. As a parent, we should never mention, even in passing, that our child may be at home alone. We never know who else might be listening or may overhear our conversation. Likewise, tell your child never to let anyone know that they are home alone.

Being alone does not have to be a source for worry if your child has an understanding of their responsibilities when they are home alone. Never take for granted what your child knows. Take a few minutes each week and review these important safety tips with them.

Remember, times have changed, even for our kids.

Of course the opposite is true as well because good parenting is certainly good for your kids. And the main point here is that bad parenting can begin at a very early age. You don’t have to wait until your child is up and about or even off to school. Doing the right thing and avoiding being a bad parent can start as soon as they are born.

Bad parents or parenting is seen in three areas – the abuse or neglect of your child, disagreements with your child and in ignoring your child. Now by abuse we do not refer to the appalling and illegal harming of a child but in such areas as the tone of voice, the failure to explain rules or the failure to administer the rules fairly. You don’t have to be a brute to be a bad parent.

Arguments are never much fun even they are between two adults who can think and reason well. An argument with your child, particularly a young child, is bad for everyone. Certainly it is bad for the youngster because they do not have the knowledge and power of their parent. The argument can result in the belittling of the child which in turn can lead to a low level of self-respect. This is seriously bad and can lead to more serious trouble down the track.

Whatever discussions you have with your child, bad parenting will see the adult being overbearing and too strong for their weaker offspring. By all means administer the rules you have set in place and clearly explained to your child, but do so in a calm and reasonable way.

Lack of quality time is sure sign of bad parenting. Placing a child in front of a television set and then getting on with your chores may be necessary at certain times but please understand, that is not quality time. Quality time means that both the parent and the child are focused on one another. They are giving of themselves to one another and the project on which they are engaged. Ignoring your child is a sure sign of bad parenting. Engage with them and in a solid and meaningful way.

Nowadays youngsters go to pre-school and kindergarten before they begin school so there is a lot of contact with other children and other adults. These activities are all good and have many benefits but only a bad parent would rely solely on these venues to give their child a good start in life. A good parent will have as many one-to-one sessions with their child as possible talking about their day at kinder etc. They will read to their child and on a regular basis. Bad parenting occurs when these times are neglected or only carried out spasmodically.

Remember your child is only young once and the more you work hard and sensibly at good parenting, the better it will be for your child today and for the years ahead. And even if you are a sole parent, bad parenting is something you can avoid and instead give your child the best for their life ahead.

This is not an easy thing, for sure. Telling that he/she is adopted would be a hard job for you. And, imagine how she/he feels.

You wonder, when would be the best time to announce the truth? And, how should you say it?

The best time to let him/her know is since the first time you see him/her. If it抯 baby, do it by the time he/she might understand any of this talk about adoption (as young as two is good enough). If it抯 a bigger kid (two or more), it抯 better to tell him/her from day one so it is easier for you to maintain relationship with them.

Some people say, the sooner they found out about the truth, the better. Yet, there are some others who wait until the kid gets at least six to eight years old.

However, there are those who wait too long. Worse, these parents never plan to tell the kid. And, at the end, he/she finds out by him/herself. Can you imagine how much it hurts them, to find out not from the adopting parents themselves?

That is why, the best thing to do is to tell them as early as possible.

No, how do you do it?

You wish to do it in the gentlest way possible for you don抰 want to hurt them.

Some parents use books. They buy those children books telling about adoption. They bring up the conversation from the book.

Some others just tell him/her like that without forgetting to explain the reason why he/she is adopted. If the kid is young enough, no need to give the details about his/her biological parents, later on when he/she grows up and wishes to see them. Yet, tell him/her that his/her real parents actually love them so much and this big love is one of the reasons why they give him/her up, for a better life.

Also, never forget to show how this kid brings happiness to your family. How he/she is desired. How you love them so dearly. That way, you can avoid them from feeling hurt.

There are the angelic children that are content to sit and read a book or watch TV and then there are YOUR kids. They make the Energizer Bunny look lazy and wouldn’t take a nap if you chained them to the bed. The following letter I recently received sums up the frustrations felt by millions of parents:

“I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and they’re really a handful. I’m a single mother, and I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I would like. Then when I am with them, I get tired and frustrated and irritated with them, and then I wish I wasn’t with them at all. Something has to change.”

Children are so needy. They constantly demand our attention, our help, our approval, our affection-it never ends. And they pretty much don’t care how their demands affect US. They mostly think of themselves. But we tend to forget that it’s supposed to be like that. Before children can be whole and healthy and happy, their needs have to be filled, and who’s going to do that for them if we don’t-their parents.

Unfortunately, most parents find that arrangement annoying. In fact, the primary reason most parents have children is so they’ll have someone to love them, the parents. That’s understandable. As adults, we have to work pretty hard-in most cases-to get the attention, the the approval, the gratitude, and the affection of our parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, spouses, and other adults. Adults have their own minds about what they will or will not do for us. But it’s different with children. They depend on us for almost everything, so they feel obligated to us. That means we can lean on them more easily to get the the gratitude, respect, and other forms of attention we crave. And mostly we’re not aware that we do that.

How do I know that we have these expectations of our children? Because when they’re not grateful, respectful, and so on, we tend to become disappointed or irritated with them. Every time we’re frustrated and irritated with our children, we’re saying with our behavior that they have failed to meet our expectations, they have failed to be grateful enough to us, and so on. You, like almost all parents, often see your children’s behavior as personally inconvenient to you. You’re disappointed that they’re not easier for you, less demanding, more rewarding. You want them to make you feel good, and that is not the responsibility of a child. It’s your job to love them.

Every time you’re irritated at your children, they hear you say only four words: “I don’t love you.” I know you don’t mean to say that, but when you’re angry that is what you’re saying, and your children feel that. Each time you’re angry, you’re saying to them, “You’ve done something to inconvenience me,” or “You’ve failed to make me happy,” and while you’re busy saying me-me-me, there is no way they can feel your love.

Your not loving them unconditionally will have an unspeakably horrible effect on them, if something doesn’t change. Children who don’t get enough Real Love grow up empty and afraid. They try to fill their lives with Imitation Love. They use Getting and Protecting Behaviors constantly, which only make them more miserable and destroy their relationships. Now, at this point it would be natural for you to feel guilty for screwing up your kids by not loving them. Quit it. You’ve done the best you could do with what you had, and you’re doing what almost all of us have done as parents. When you fail to love your children unconditionally, it’s only because you didn’t know any better, and because you didn’t get enough Real Love yourself-as a child and as an adult. You just can’t give what you don’t have.

So now you understand why you get irritated at your children, and you understand how damaging it is to them. What can you do about it?

Your overall attitude toward your children will begin to change just with the realization that it’s always your responsibility to love them unconditionally. It’s not their job to love you, or to make your life easier in any way. But that intellectual understanding alone isn’t usually enough. Before you can be more loving toward your children, you must have more Real Love in your own life. Without that, you’re too empty to love them. When you’re empty, it’s unavoidable that you’ll reach out to your children to fill your needs.

So how do you get more Real Love? You just need to practice telling the truth about yourself to other adults. As you talk about your mistakes, flaws, and fears, you’ll create opportunities for them to love you unconditionally. What happens next is huge. As you feel the love of other adults, you’ll lose your need for your children to behave in a way that is convenient to you or supportive. You’ll have twenty million dollars, and in that condition you won’t be bothered when your kids take two dollars here and there. And you’ll be able to give them what they need.

Now, in the short term, what can you do when you’re frustrated by the behavior of a child?

First, be quiet. So many parenting books describe the best ways for parents to express anger at their children. There is no best way. We have a hundred ways to justify the anger at our kids-for example, we say we’re angry at their behavior, not at them-but no matter what our justification is, they always hear “I don’t love you,” and they’re hurt by that. Really. Anger is unloving and selfish. Period. We may be right about the particular issue we’re discussing with a child, but if we’re angry, we’re wrong, and we need to be quiet until we can speak in a genuinely loving way.

Second, call another adult. You don’t have to stifle your anger, but don’t share it with your children. Instead share it with someone who can listen to you and love you as you talk about your selfishness, someone who can laugh at your foolishness and accept you while you’re being selfish and flawed. As you do that, as people love you while you’re angry and selfish, you’ll finally get enough Real Love to eliminate your emptiness and fear. And then you can go back to your child and be loving while you work out whatever issue was originally provoking your anger.

As you consistently find this Real Love from others, and fill up with it, instead of being inconvenienced by your children, you’ll begin to see them as a wonderful opportunity to learn to be loving. And as you love your children and teach them correct principles, you will experience more joy as a parent than you ever thought possible.