Home And Family

Question: If you were to give parents some advice to help with stress management and improving their children’s behavior, what would that be?

Answer: Well, I once met a parenting consultant who showed me something I have never forgotten. He said to me ‘Don’t think about pink elephants’. Of course I immediately started to think about pink elephants.

If you say to anyone, including children, ‘Don’t do that’, the message they get is to do it. You focus all their attention on exactly the activity you want them to stop.

When you are tense and nervous as a parent your general language is ‘Don’t do that’. ‘Please don’t do that to me.’ ‘Please don’t do that any more’. You can find yourself begging, pleading, hoping or shouting but the fundamental message behind everything you say is ‘Don’t’. So of course children do it more and more.

When you are relaxed and happy you naturally feel more open and positive and your message naturally becomes ‘Do this’ or ‘Let’s do this together’ and you transmit a positive message to the child. You focus his or her attention on what you want them to do, rather than what you don’t want them to do. You effectively invite children to do something specific so they forget everything else, including the activity you don’t want them to do any more. This is a very powerful change.

There’s a lot of books and parenting approaches that suggest to out smart their children and carefully choose more appropriate words, but I’ve watched many parents trying that and it only seems to work temporarily, or should I say superficially.

It is possible to train yourself to talk the right way so children listen to you more. With practice it will have an effect. However this highly conscious approach is slow to affect the root of the problem. You talk negatively because you feel negative. It is this negative feeling that most directly affects the child. A negative feeling creates negative energy. When the energy is negative the message is confused. It becomes scrambled and children are literally unable to react.

The simpler way to turn the situation around is for the parents to learn to relax. When you are relaxed you are naturally positive, from the inside. I have seen parents who start to learn relaxation transforming their relationships with their children. They come back with shining eyes saying their children are completely different. In behavioral situations that were highly challenging before, for example eating candy, not going to bed, being too noisy, the problem seems to melt away and children become naturally willing to do whatever they want them to do.

It is amazing that something so small and simple as taking 10 or 20 minutes to sit and do nothing and clear your mind, can have such a powerful effect that can last all day. When you are positive your energy is positive. When you speak your message is clear and children react naturally to that.

The irony is that the people who most need relaxation are the people who feel they have the least time. But if you invest a little time for relaxation you gain much more time in return. The principle is the same as investing money. If you put some money into a wise investment you get more money out. If you put it into the wrong investment you lose money. Similarly if you put time into the wrong investment, such as being nervous, angry and negative you will lose more and more time. However if you invest time into a wise activity, such as relaxation, you get much more time out of it.

When you have stress and are tense, time seems to go against you and there is never enough of it. When you relax time begins to stretch in your favor and it is surprising just how much can be achieved and how many people want to help you, including your children. So one simple and easy piece of advice for parents is to really learn how to improve their ability to relax.Relaxation is the best form of stress management.

Our active, energetic children often resist the rest time period, whether it is naptime or bedtime they may turn it into a chase time, crying time, tantrum time or may be read another time to avoid the dreaded bed.

Stand firm with your child, stick to a time you have set for your child to rest, you may need to help your child wind down before naptime or bedtime and perhaps a short story or may be a gentle massage to help relax the unwilling at sleep time.

As your child gets older his sleep pattern is likely to change, and you may find you will need to start again, it may require letting him stay up later or shorten his daytime naps as he grows.

Preventing The Problem:

Firstly, establish a bedtime routine. Before bedtime or naptime ensure a calm approach with a special feeling, only you and your child enjoys at these times of the day or night maybe a short story, a gentle back rub or very softly stroking his hair as part of going-to-bed routine.

Putting in the effort to make bedtime and naptimes a special event gives your child more than just going to bed to look forward to.

It may even involve a story you both tell by making it up as you go along, or maybe a talk on a subject your child is interested in.

Include exercise a daily habit

Plain for your child to get plenty of exercise during his day, as this helps his body letting his mind know going to bed has a good feeling.

Setting A Regular Rest Time:

Don’t let your child control his rest time with late afternoon or evening rests, it becomes a problem at bedtime to expect him to wind down for the night.

Putting your child down early in the day for his rest period will ensure less drama for bedtime.

Quality Time Before Bed:

Spending time with your child before bed will help prevent him from putting on a performance just to get more of your attention.

Keep Bedtime Consistent.

To find out how much sleep your child may need by taking note of how he acts when he has had his daytime nap and when he hasn’t, and when he has gone to bed at nine o’clock compared to seven o’clock.

Establish a regular sleep timetable that suits your child’s needs, this pattern is likely to change, as he gets older.

A Solution:

An hour before bedtime or even at naptime this idea can be used, set an alarm clock for five minutes and let your child know when the alarm goes off its telling him its time to start getting ready for bed.

This avoids unexpected surprises and helps your child except what is required in the next stage, when the alarm sounds, simply say, “The alarm is telling us its time to start getting ready for bed. Let’s have a bath, or wash up and put our pajamas on.”

Reset the alarm for fifteen minutes and say to your child, “let’s see how we go with beating the alarm at getting ready.” This gives you the opening to positively reward your child for his efforts at getting himself all the way through the basic bedtime routine.

Make sure you allow a fair amount of time for your child to get the job done.

When the routine is completed, reset the alarm for what’s left of the hour you set aside for bedtime and then say, “Because you were very good and beat the alarm, you now get to stay up and play until the alarm goes off again telling us it’s time to hop into bed.

Now it’s time to set the alarm for brushing our teeth, having a little drink, and using the potty (if old enough) or going to the toilet before getting into bed.

Using the alarm bedtime routine helps you and your child have fun preparing for bedtime, your child will enjoy the game involved in the bedtime routine.

Follow The Same Custom Regardless Of Time:

Even if it is past his normal bedtime, it is important to go through the same pattern as the usual bedtime to help your child learn what’s expected of him when its time for going to bed.

Don’t mention how late he’s been up, speed up the pace give your child a hand getting ready, using the alarm set it for shorter times. Although the pressure is on its important you don’t leave out any of the regular steps.

Keep The Same organized Routine:

Because young children find comfort in regularity, have your child take his bath, brush his teeth, and put his pajamas on, in the same order each night.

Ask your child to tell you what he thinks the next step is in the routine; this helps him feel he has some say and being more involved.

Offer Rewards For Good Bedtime Behavior:

Speak to your child upon waking making a comment about him going to so bed nicely is worthwhile. Say to him, “Seems you were so good going off to bed, I would like to read you an extra story.” Or another idea is, have a special calendar for your child and get him to place stickers on his good bedtime days, your child will find this very rewarding.

What Not To Do:

Don’t Let Your Child Be In Charge Of Bed time:

Stand firm with your selected bedtime regardless of your child’s performance.

Keeping in mind you know why he doesn’t want to go to bed-and why he should. Tell yourself, “He’s crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed and take a nap as he’s happy to play, but you know with him having his nap now he will be happier later.

Don’t Intimidate Or Smack Your Child:

Threatening your child to make him go to bed may cause bad dreams; fear’s and leaves your child unsettled, not to mention how you are going to feel when his performance continues.

Punishing your child won’t teach him suitable behavior.

As an alternative, use an alarm as an impartial influence to control when naptime or bedtime arrives.

Maintaining good boundaries as the parent of a teenager is important. Boundaries are about maintaining good self care and setting limits on how much others can place on you. Having clear and healthy boundaries can help you avoid a lot of problems in relationships because others know what to expect from you and know your limitations without taking things personally.

As has been discussed in previous articles I have written, teenagers can be very self absorbed which is a normal part of their developmental stage. This self absorption can really push the boundaries of others, and especially of parents, if there are not clear boundaries in place. Below are some examples of how boundaries can be tested along with suggestions for helping you maintain good boundaries during this challenging time.

1. My teen is always running late and throws off my schedule.
This can make parents feel like they can never be on their own schedule because their teenager is always dictating when they need to be dropped off, picked up, etc. In these situations, you can maintain good boundaries by clearly stating what time you will be leaving to go out or what time you will be available to pick them up. If your teenager is running late, you should still leave at the previously stated time and do this consistently. Of course the first time or two your teen will be very upset, however, you can remind them that you will be continuing to leave when you say you will and suggest that they try to get themselves ready a little bit earlier. It is amazing how quickly they will respond!

2. My teen will not get up in the morning and I end up having to go into their room 10 times to wake them up.
I have heard this over and over again from parents who feel like their morning is ruined every day because they are nagging and badgering their teen to get out of bed. In this situation, you should tell your teen that you will come into their room one time to help remind them to get up for school and that if they miss the bus, they will need to walk or use their own money for a cab ride to school. Again, the first time your teen misses their bus and needs to pay for a cab or walk they will be irate and blaming, however, they will quickly get the message that you will give them their one reminder to get up and that is it. This will result in you having time for yourself in the morning rather than being so focused on your teen who is likely fully capable of getting up and ready on their own.

3. My teen always wants more money for things they “really need”.
This is always tricky because teens feel like their parents have a never ending supply of money for them to use. When parents do not set a boundary on this, it can lead to excessive nagging and badgering from teens who are always going to want or “need” one more thing that costs money. One of the best ways to manage this is to have an allowance system with clear chore expectations. Teens should be reminded that they have their own money for certain things (parents should be clear about what they will and will not pay for ahead of time) and that they will need to save for these items or wait for a holiday or birthday if appropriate. Being consistent is the key to maintaining good boundaries in this area.

4. My teens puts me on the spot in front of their friends.
Let’s face it, teens are good at getting what they want. One particularly effective technique they use is asking for something right in front of their friends, hoping that you will be more likely to say yes. This could be asking to have the friend stay over, asking for a later curfew or asking for a few dollars. The best way to maintain good boundaries around this is to not let it happen at all. I have worked with parents who have learned to say, “as you know, these are not decisions we make on the spot like this so I will have to say no for now until we can discuss it privately”. Keeping a friendly tone and being consistent will result in your teen no longer setting up this dynamic.

5. My teens says they will help out around the house but they never do.
This can be very frustrating and often results in parents doing the chores their teens were expected to do because they cannot tolerate them not being done. A couple suggestions for this situation are: 1. Implement an allowance system and ONLY give the allowance if the chores are done as you have agreed upon. For example, if the trash is supposed to be taken out on Wednesdays and Saturdays and this week your teen only took it out on Saturday when it was overflowing because they did not do it on Wednesday then they should not be receiving their full allowance. 2. Limit what you will do if they do not do what they agreed to do. For example, if they are supposed to clean up the kitchen and do not, tell them you will not be able to make them dinner (they can make a sandwich or have some cereal instead). If they do not cut the grass but then expect you to drive them to their friends house later in the day tell them you cannot hold up your end of the bargain to give them a ride if they did not hold up their end of the bargain to cut the grass.

Some of these things will create conflict in the moment the first one or two times you set the limits and stick with your boundaries, however, teens will quickly learn your limits and will stop attempting to fight them. In addition, most of these techniques will also teach responsibility in teens who need to learn that relationships are generally cooperative in nature. Finally, establishing these clear boundaries will allow you to reduce your stress and have some time for yourself.

?2009 Elite Life Coaching

Encouraging your preteen or tweenager to watch less TV? Try giving him this list of ideas to get him off the couch. Anytime you hear the “B” word (bored), remind him how fun life can be when you live it yourself instead of watching it on television.

Play guitar. If you don’t know how, it’s time you learned!

Read a good book. Dust off that library card! Get your reluctant reader inspired with something by Lemony Snicket

Write a letter to a friend. Yes, the snail mail type.

Bored? Play a board game. Star Wars Monopoly anyone?

Practice juggling. One of the easiest ways to learn is with plastic grocery bags.

Do 20 pushups

Help do laundry

Write a poem

Play Mad Libs

Find change under the couch cushions

Have an arm wrestle

Put vinegar in baking soda and stand back

Start a blog. Do it for free at Blogger

Get a parakeet and teach him vocabulary words

Learn how to make espresso, cappuccino and regular coffee

Make a lego movie! This is where you run your Lego men through fantastic adventures and capture it all on videotape.

Make a permanent artificial sand castle with a paste made from sawdust and glue

Make a treasure hunt

Put a mushroom cap on some paper, wait a day, and find a ring of spores

Climb a tree and act like a nut

Make your own soda

And now, for the 22nd, most important thing to do instead of watch TV….

Have a burping contest

Have fun!

If you’re a divorced parent, avoid these 3 mistakes and create these 3 solutions when building character in your child. Your child will reward you with respect, trust, and love.

My parents divorced. At the time my father confided, “It’s just like a woman. When a man finally puts some money aside, his wife wants half and gets a divorce.” Dad forgot his part in causing the divorce. He forgot I was female, like my mother, and he forgot I loved my mother too.

If you抮e a divorced parent, do you love your child more than you hate your ex-partner? Are you acting badly and would like to stop? Do you want to ease your child’s pain? If so, begin building character in yourself.

Half your child’s genes come from the other parent. This creates a serious bond between your child and your “ex.” When you put down your former partner, your child feels put down too. Below are 3 mistakes and 3 solutions divorced parents need to consider.

3 Mistakes Divorced Parents Need to Avoid for Building Character in Their Child:

Talking hatefully about the other parent:

This encourages your child’s support for the other parent.

This increases your child’s contempt for the things you say.

This earns your child’s disrespect for you.

Attempting to get your child to take your side:

This puts your child in the painful middle.

This causes your child to fight your attempts.

This encourages your child to take your “ex’s” side.

Fighting with your “ex” in front of your child:

This causes your child’s pain to deepen.

This fuels your child’s anger.

This increases your child’s insecurity and loneliness.

3 Solutions Divorced Parents Need to Embrace for Building Character in Their Child:

See things from your child’s viewpoint.

Hold your tongue in front of your child.

Work on building your own character.

If you’re a divorced parent remember that half your child’s genes draw from your former partner. Building character needs a balanced approach:

Let go of talking hatefully.

Let go of putting your child in the middle.

Let go of fighting in front of your child.

You’ll earn your child’s respect. You’ll earn your child’s trust. You’ll earn your child’s love. You’ll be building character too.

Anger – it sounds like a dirty word, but the more we try to avoid it, the more
we feel it. Is anger so bad? Is there a positive way we Moms can learn from our
anger and model productive ways to express feelings?

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger, like all emotions, is merely
a messenger. Anger is there to alert you to something wrong in your environment.
Perhaps you’ve been ignoring your feelings of frustration, annoyance, or burden
far too long. Anger is likely to be the result. Psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott once said that
“Humans can be a little nicer than they feel, but not a lot.” I agree with that
statement! So if you feel anger welling up, what can you do to avoid exploding,
especially on someone nearby?

1- Leave the situation
As soon as possible, take your leave for a moment. Explain to the person you’re
with that you need a moment, but don’t ask for their permission. Walk away. If
the person you’re talking to is a very small child, you might not be able to
leave them alone, but you can turn around and remove your attention for a moment.

While you’re having your “timeout”, do something productive. Practice deep
breathing exercises. Pray. Rehearse what your next words will be so you have
more control over your response. Don’t just dwell on your negative feelings, find
something positive you can do to restore your emotional balance.

2- Try laughter
Humor can diffuse a situation like nothing else. So if you are steaming, think of
something amusing. Your favorite line from a funny movie, something silly your
child did, whatever it is. Laughter helps put things into perspective and can turn
around your mood quickly.

3- Decide on your response ahead of time
It’s helpful to decide ahead of time what you’ll do when you feel yourself getting
angry. If you’re a yeller, make a pact with yourself that you’ll whisper when you
get angry. If you’re dealing with a manipulative person, rehearse a phrase like:
“That deserves consideration. I’ll think about it and get back to you on that.”

Or write your feelings in a note. This works really well with children.
For example, if your teen promised to clean the kitchen but never got around to it,
tape a note to the fridge that says: “A Dirty Kitchen Makes Mom Start Witchin”
Signed, The Management

Be determined to focus on the behavior that triggers your anger, not the person, and
inform them what they can do to make things right with you.

Instead of saying: “You lazy, greedy brat!” try “I am so angry that you decided to
play video games instead of clean up your room. In the future, I expect you to keep
your promises to me. When will you be starting on this room?”

4- Analyze your anger
If you lose it and blow up, try to explore what led to it. It might be helpful to
write down what was happening in the hours leading up to the explosion. Was someone
really pushing your buttons and instead of setting a boundary, you let them continue?
Has it been way too long since you’ve had some time to yourself? Had it been many hours
since you had eaten? What could you do differently next time?

Every parent loses their temper from time to time. It’s not helpful to wallow in guilt
or beat yourself up. Anger isn’t an unacceptable emotion. What’s unacceptable is how
it’s sometimes expressed. Hopefully these tips will you learn to express your anger in a way
you and your family can live with.

Ask parents what their biggest school year challenge is, and you抣l likely hear that it is the difficulty they face in getting their kids to do homework.?With so many other attractive ways for kids to spend their time, getting them to buckle down and complete that extra bit of schoolwork can be like pulling teeth.?As with any chore, though, there are strategies you can use to get it done and make it more fun.

1.?Make Time for Homework
Fitness gurus have known this for years: you are more likely to stick to an exercise regimen if you do it at the same time everyday and make it an inviolable part of your schedule.?The same goes for homework.?Don抰 leave it up in the air as to when homework will be completed.?This only ensures that it won抰 get completed until you have an extended argument with your child about it梪sually one hour after bedtime.?Instead, sit down with your child and review your family schedule for the upcoming semester.?Decide where homework will fit in your daily schedule and make it non-negotiable.?It is always helpful to anchor homework time to some other regular activity.?Good choices are:?directly after school or right before or after dinner.?(Scheduling homework in the hour before bedtime is usually not a good practice since your child may be too sleepy to do a good job.)

It is also important to dedicate a set amount of time for homework.?This will discourage students from rushing through homework so that they can watch the latest Disney video.?What is a reasonable amount of time to spend on homework??That varies with age.?Check with your child抯 teacher.?It is generally accepted, though, that First and Second graders should spend about a half hour on homework each night while Third and Fourth graders might need to spend as much as an hour per night.
?BR>2.?Don抰 Accept No for an Answer
A common refrain from students is 揑 finished my homework in school?or 揟he teacher didn抰 assign us any homework today.敔 It should not matter that they don抰 have a specific assignment.?Homework is an extension of the learning that occurred that day in school, and what they learned that day can be extended in any number of ways.?Students can read silently during their allotted homework time, they can look up information in an encyclopedia to enhance what they are learning in Science or Social Studies, or they can look at flashcards, practice math facts, and test their spelling.?This is how to teach your child to be a self-directed learner.?You will be giving them a gift to get them in the habit of doing this now.?When they are in high school, having this extra study habit will bring them academic success.

3.?Establish a Partnership with Teachers
Early in the school year make an effort to get to know your child抯 teacher.?Make an appointment to talk with the teacher in the first few weeks of school, so that you can express your desire to be a good partner in your child抯 education. She will appreciate it, and you will be one step closer to a smooth school year.?Find out what her homework policy is so that you know what to expect.?It is also helpful to know how high her standards are, so that you can ensure that your child抯 homework is acceptable.
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4.?Provide the Right Environment
Most people抯 advice on homework is to set up a desk in your child抯 room and make sure that they have a quiet and distraction-free work environment.?This sounds very reasonable, but few people seem to be able to follow this advice.?I know many students who instead do their homework on the living room floor, at the kitchen counter, or at the dining room table.?It seems that some people work best when they aren抰 isolated from household activity.?If that is the case with your child, then provide a small traveling office for him so that he has all of the necessary items at hand and won抰 waste time running around the house looking for a sharp pencil.?With all the supplies nearby, and distractions limited to the general background noise of family living, your student ought to be able to concentrate on homework.?

5.?Set a Good Example
揇o as I say not as I do?is no longer considered appropriate parental advice.?In order to instill the proper values in our children, we must model them.?If we expect our children to be conscientious, hard-working students, then that is what they must see in us.?Make an effort to show your child your work ethic by reading trade magazines and business books while they do their homework.?Take out a pencil and write notes as you read.?Investigate ideas fully.?If you read something interesting in the newspaper, look up information about it on the Internet.?Always be eager to learn something new.?Sign up for an adult education class, teach yourself to knit, or write that novel you抳e always dreamed of.?The more that you can show your child that learning is a lifelong adventure that requires their involvement, the more likely it is that homework will cease being a chore and start being an integral part of a life well-lived.

If you take the time to set up these parameters around homework, you抣l find that you waste less energy arguing over homework and making up for lost assignments.?You抣l have more time and energy for other pursuits, and so will your child.?What抯 more, you抣l discover that the benefits of hassle free homework add up to more than just scheduling efficiency, they equal a better education.

It was my first night out as a new mommy ?as in no kids. My husband was taking me out to dinner to celebrate our first six months of successful parenting ?or maybe the fact that the cable was out and he knew he couldn抰 watch the game. I didn抰 care. I was going out. Nothing was going to ruin this night for me.

I let Junior watch six hours of cartoons while I got ready. I took a bubble bath. I shaved. I bought a cute little black dress that no longer fell into the 搇ittle?category, but I didn抰 care. I even purchased a sexy little thong which rubbed a blister before I was even through applying my mascara. But I left it on. Nothing was going to ruin this night!

I even decided to tackle the overwhelming task of doing something to my breastfed boobs that now hung to my knees and had been attracting National Geographic reporters from all over the country. I bought these cool pasty things you stick in your bra that looked something like a raw chicken breast, but did in fact make my chest look perky and take attention off my rear end which had grown to the point that it now occupied another zip code and was at the moment making some pretty interesting bottom music due to the late afternoon snack of raw broccoli combined with the thong. It was as if I had invented a new rubber band instrument. I抦 thinking of getting a patent.

I put on my highest heels. Took them off. Put them back on, and reminded myself that beauty is pain and waited for my husband to pick me up. I was so happy. I kissed Junior, kissed the babysitter, and ran out the door to meet my husband. Okay, walked fast. The heels were really high.

He didn抰 notice my heels. He didn抰 notice the dress. He didn抰 notice that I was now limping because I had a blister in between my butt cheeks that was starting to get infected. He was too busy trying to find a parking spot up front at Burger Bart抯 Buffet where all the food is displayed around the perimeter of the restaurant and who needs a waiter when you can get up and get it yourself?

I抦 standing there trying to decide between macaroni and cheese or assisted suicide, crammed in between my husband who is scouting out the nearest TV and a sweet older gentleman who seemed to be staring a little too intently at my cleavage. Looking back, I understand why. Because the miraculous perky pseudo-breast I had tucked inside my dress was coming dislodged. Of course, I didn抰 know this, which is probably why it generated such a rapt audience at the salad bar. Especially when I sneezed and the breast popped out of my dress and landed in the cottage cheese.

I was mortified. Do I quickly pick it up and stuff it back in? Do I put it on my plate beside the cherry tomatoes? Do I leave it there and act like I had no idea I had lost a booby on the salad bar? Sometimes fate has a way of working things out. This wasn抰 one of those times. I felt another sneeze coming on ?apparently allergic to the new body splash I bought for this special occasion ?and the magnitude of the sneeze caused something to snap. The thong. Apparently it simply couldn抰 hold up under the pressure. Personally, I don抰 blame it.

I抦 not really sure if there抯 a scientific explanation for it, or if fate just couldn抰 pass this opportunity up, but the thong snapped, broke, and went flying through the air whereupon it slapped the kind old gentleman across the face and sort of hung there like a birthday party streamer. And that was the last sight I saw as I went running from the restaurant. Okay, walking fast – those heels were really high. My husband never noticed a thing.

I抳e never been back to Bart抯 Burger Buffet where they had to have the salad bar and the old man fumigated. The high heels are collecting dust in the top of my closet and I haven抰 worn a thong ever since, because my rear end still has nightmares of the whole sordid experience. I have an anniversary coming up. Hubby wants to take me out to dinner. I’m thinking I’ll go buy something sexy.

There is no better time than in the midst of a global economic crisis to re-evaluate our financial priorities. And with the Christmas Season fast approaching, with its unforgiving sense of commercialism, many of us are painfully aware of just how much this worldly predicament has impacted us personally. Stores have been decking their halls the moment the Halloween inventory was put away and television commercials have your children asking for everything they see advertised from “A to Z.” It’s not enough (excuse the pun) to explain to our children that there will be less this year. They have never had to want for anything before now so this foreign concept of “watching what we spend” is too difficult for them to understand. After all, doesn’t money grow on [Christmas] trees?

The other day I was shopping for Christmas ornaments in a mall department store when I heard a woman say out loud “Now there! Isn’t that just the very essence of Christmas?” I looked up fully expecting to see an angel denoting peace, or a family gathered around a Christmas tree, or at the very least, a mother with child. But to my surprise, it was a carousel of Santa with his reindeer revolving around a globe; his sack bursting at the seams with presents threatening to fall off the back of his sleigh. I looked around the rest of the store and realized that this woman’s idea of the “essence of Christmas” is the very image we perpetuate for our children. It’s no wonder they cannot conceptualize getting less this year; to them Christmas is all about the amount they get.

So how do we inject a truer meaning of Christmas into the minds of our children who only regard it as a time when they receive gifts? First, we need to examine our own beliefs about the Season. I realize that the religious theme may not fit for a lot of people, but it has to mean more than just how much money you spend on every gift or how many presents you receive. Even Dr. Seuss’ infamous character “The Grinch” understood that it did. Remember when he stood on the mountain above Who-ville listening to the Whos singing on Christmas morning. At first he was puzzled that the Christmas presents, trees and ornaments he stole from the Whos didn’t stop Christmas from coming. It came just the same as it did every other year. The Grinch realized then that Christmas doesn’t come wrapped up in a box tied with ribbons from a store. It occurred to him then that Christmas perhaps… “means a little bit more.”

So when our children receive less this year how do we handle the long faces and “hard done by” attitudes on Christmas morning? Be proactive. Children need to have a point of reference from which they come to know and feel gratitude. Children who have and get whatever they want have little understanding for what it is like to go without. They also have very little knowledge that there are people out there in the world who are less fortunate than they are. Witnessing some of those experiences and helping out to make a difference can go a long way in teaching a child about being grateful for what they already have:

- Take your child onto a medical floor of a hospital to help feed the elderly

- Volunteer as a family at a soup kitchen

- Bake cookies for a nursing home

- Donate time to a local charity Christmas campaign

- Organize a turkey dinner out of your church or community hall for your neighbours who would otherwise go without

- Collect old coats and blankets from around your neighbourhood to give to a local organizer who will distribute them to the homeless. Or better yet, go with your children and bring them to the homeless yourself

Besides giving our a children a hard lesson in the realities of poverty and teaching them the value of money and spending wisely, what kinds of gifts can we give to our children this year that will introduce a more gracious meaning of Christmas? (And not cost any money!)

- Write a story about the day your child was born, bind it and present it as a book

- Write about your favourite Christmas memory and frame it

- Give a homemade coupon book i.e. “This entitles you to a day of pampering by mom”

- Write a poem or a song about your child

- Give gifts of virtue i.e. “I give you the gift of patience when you are needing help with your homework”

- invite your children to a spend a day with you doing an outdoor activity: skating, tobogganing, road hockey, snowman making, snowball fight, cross country skiing

- A month of nightly reading of classic stories (any age will love being read to)

- A book of baby pictures with handwritten captions about how you felt at that time and what they were like as a baby

- Grant your child three wishes-anything they desire that would improve your relationship, and does not cost money i.e. that you stop raising your voice when angry, or you spend Saturday mornings together

- A book of lessons i.e. skating lesson with dad, piano lesson with mom, knitting lesson with Grandma

These ideas are really about giving the gift of time and family unity. I know they won’t seem like much on paper to your children but I promise, once you fulfill them with action your children will revel in the time spent together and will hold those moments in their memories forever. You might discover that spending time with your children gives back the biggest gift you have ever received. This just might be the Christmas no one will ever forget, in spite of dismal economic times.

Parents are basically like the captains of any ship; they are the guiding forces that dictate what happens, when, and by whom, in order to keep things running smoothly. This system works like a well-oiled machine most of the time, except when there’s mutiny. You know what I’m talking about. A parental decree has been given, and your child is steadfastly refusing to get with the program. And, as a parent who knows that you must think fast on your feet, you will find yourself wondering how can I possibly get my child to cooperate?

The problem is a matter of free will, which can be both a blessing and a curse, especially as a parent dealing with a child, who, like it or not, is a completely separate entity. We all know that forcing an issue is not going to get us anywhere, and may, in fact, make the problem even worse. If we go the route of pushing too hard, we can pretty much expect that the child will probably dig their feet in and push right back.

There is another option: consensus. Finding a way to create an agreement that is decided upon together will get you on the road to cooperation in short order. Asking for input from your child will ensure that they not only understand the reasons why a particular course of action needs to happen, but also how they can help. Children like to be helpful, and really do want to please. Plus, once they give their word, they are invested, and it is virtually impossible fro them to go back on their word.

For instance, suppose that bedtime is an issue in your house. Your children put up a fuss every night, and by the time you get them into their bed, you feel ready to get into bed and sleep it off yourself. It’s time to create consensus. Set aside some time at a different point in the day (long before bedtime) and sit down with your child, pen and paper in hand. Let them know what the problem is, and tell them you would like their help in creating a solution. Tell them, clearly and concisely, what the desired behavior is, and ask them what would help them to make this happen. Next, have your child decide what the consequences will be if they do not behave the way that you both have agreed. You may be surprised by how creative and harsh their punishments can be!

Once you have reached consensus an all the details of your agreement, it’s time to write it all down. Either you or your child can draft the agreement, but make sure it is written down. Everyone involved should sign at the bottom of the agreement to make it official. Finally, post the agreement somewhere prominent to serve as a reminder.

Now that you know how to elicit cooperation from your child, the two of you can reach consensus on any issue that might arise, and both move forward with smiles on your faces. Bedtime- and everything else- just got a whole lot easier.